All I want is for you to know me again;for me to be in your life, and even if it can't happen right now, I would just like to know that I'm not blocked from your memory.
Awkward moments define me. I'd sleep all day if I could. I lack the capability to keep my mouth closed. Yeah, everyone has bad days, I just have more frequent ones. If you don't like me, don't act like you do, it really won't offend me. I've made mistakes. I've let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve. But I've learned from my bad choices & even though there are some things I can never get back & people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time & I won't settle for anything less than I deserve
| | Remember when we first met? We laughed and smiled together. It was a a perfect moment and, we didn't even know each other | ||
But even in her laughter there was something missing. She never seemed to be truly happy; she just seemed to be passing time while she waited for something else. She was tired of just existing; she wanted to live.
i'm fine, i'm okay - but not when i think, thats when the pain comes my way. your name reminds me of the summer skies and your voice reminds me how the waves would rise. you disappearing reminds me of the cold winter snow, and with you gone, i don't know anything any more.
but love, i've come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.
There was a time that we'd stay up all night, best friends talking 'til the daylight. Took the joys alongside the pain, with not much to lose but so much to gain.
And in that second something in her cracked. It was as if there were two parts of her fighting each other, each one ripping her open from the inside out. And from that day she would never be the same again. She would never be able to look at him and not cringe. Because this time, this time she was the victim and not the hero.
I could write novels about pain. Not the kind of pain you get when you break your arm, but the kind that makes your broken heart go into your throat, so that it takes all of your energy and concentration to breathe. The kind of pain that makes you want to scream & sob at the same time. The kind of pain that makes you want to hurt everyone around you because you’re suffering & they’re not, because they can breathe without feeling guilty & hold a normal conversation without breaking down into fits of tears or rage. A pain that bites it’s tongue and nods acceptably when asked if okay.
Take a deep breath. Calm down. Take ten steps back from the knife, the lighter or the mirror. Turn on your ipod, lay on the floor and take more deep breaths. You are worth more than this; you can be more than this. This does not have control over you. You are the one who will control your own destiny, your own pathways through life. Don't let shit tie you down or break your heart. It's okay to cry. Breathe again. You are alive and wonderful.
. You don't get to be mad at me. You did this. You get that right? I have always been there for you. I have gone out of my way for you over and over again. Do you do the same for me? No. Never. And yet I keep my mouth shut and say nothing about it. I am not in any way trying to say I'm a perfect friend. but I honestly believe I have done everything I am capable of doing, to keep you in my life. The more I tried to keep you, the more you pushed me away. I have been more understanding and forgiving with you, than I was ever capable of being with anyone else. I have literally put myself through emotional hell for you. I'm not blaming you for this, because I chose that. I chose to allow you to walk all over me without ever saying a word. I did that because I wanted you in my life so badly. But you don't get to be angry with me because I've finally decided that I can't take it anymore. I can't be the only one trying. It hurts too much. But apparently you don't understand that. I love you. You will always be my best friend. But I don't know if i've ever actually been yours, and I can't be second best anymore. I'm fucking tired of being second best to everyone. Especially you. So i'm letting this go. Never thought I'd say that, did you? I have to. I have to let this go because I'm not strong enough to handle it anymore. If you want me in my life, you need to fucking prove it to me.
I got that feeling again. You know, that heavy feeling you get, but you just have no idea why. You want to say something, anything, but nothing’s coming out. No matter how hard you try to find the right words. When you’re lying in bed, so tired but can’t sleep. Cause you know there are only two things that would help. And the first doesn’t give a shit anymore. So you just have to lie there, and wait for the tears to come out.
I guess I'm still holding on to something that I know will never happen, because somewhere deep down inside me, I have this little piece of hope that someday, it will.
Somehow it all leads back up to you. You were the main part of my life. Both, the good and the bad. Whenever I meet a new guy, whenever I fall in love, whenever I'm with someone else; It will always be you.
She had tried so hard to forget him.. And many times she could almost convince herself that she no longer cared. But all it took was the chorus of their favorite song, the lingering permanent scent of his cologne, or the use of his favorite comeback (which she now uses) and it was right back to the beginning. No matter how much time had passed, she still missed the place where their fingers perfectly aligned with each others’. Memories of him caught her at the most unexpected times.. in the middle of an English exam, at 1 AM on a Saturday morning, or while waiting for the light to change at an intersection. He knew her best, and he loved her like only a first true love could. She didn’t know what he was doing now, or how often he thought of her, but she knew she crossed his mind from time to time. Because their love was real, what they shared with each other was extraordinary.
I felt like crying but nothing came out. It was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can't feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. But I think I have known it pretty often, too often.
"these are things that i don't understand: how infinite is space, & who decides your fate. why everything will dissolve into sand. how to avoid defeat, when truth & fiction meet.why nothing ever turns out the way you plan."
"And just because you keep something a secret doesn't mean it never happened. No matter how much you want that to be true."
No comments:
Post a Comment