.. but take the spade from my hands and fill in the holes, you've made.

ever felt like the wind was constantly being knocked out of you?.. ever had so many knots in your stomach that you literally shook all the time and had goosebumps?-- this is where i understand where people contemplate suicide. these feelings, you never feel like it will end. sleeping away the days just so you feel numb for a while. will this ever go away? will i ever find any understanding behind any of this.


god you have no idea how badly it hurt to hear that i make you miserable. no idea. that sucked the life right out of me. i feel so lost back here at the beginning, there are so many different ways to turn. and damnit, the only way i want to turn is backwards and i cant. i have to look forward. i cant fight for someone who doesnt fight for me anymore. and that i will never understand about you. is it that i just didnt mean enough to fight for? i dont know when i will be able to see you next. i cant look you in the eyes and see how much has changed. im not ready. im not strong enough. 


you tell me that i change when i go home.. i cant get it through your head how much i have been through for you. its not easy, at all. and just because you feel a certain way, doesnt mean that it erases how i felt in those times. and i guess that just not something you are willing to understand. you told me i could ask questions, and then i get yelled at for it. you dont take the time to realize that there hasnt been a month that something hasnt been thrown at me. you were still whatever with kat up until 3 months ago, then rachel, and you just dont take the time to see any of that. 


ive never loved another human being more than i love myself like i have you. and god yes, i hurt like hell right now. but nothing hurts more than hearing that i make you miserable. id do anything for you, anything in the world. i think ive proven that. so this is me, putting your happiness above my own. you happy is what matters to me. i just dont think you are going to find it anywhere else.. but only time will tell. 


i love you... always